“How are you? Are you ok? How are you feeling. “

I’m not an “ok-er”. I’ve come to know this about myself. As philosophical as I am, as much as What Does It All MEAN tends to drive my life I see I am also I realist and a practical person.  

I am NOT ok. Yet of course, I am OK in that way that only someone who knows that All is Well can know. But I also know that the Susan part of me is not ok. I hope that is ok with you because I’m just into being real. If you need me to be like perfect or always ok then don’t read this. (and I’m also ok with the fact that this might not be ok with you).

Everything has changed now. And of course everything is always changing but everything has REALLY changed. And I’m angry. And I’m sad. And I’m grateful. And I’m ecstatic. And I’m afraid. And I am not afraid of anything. And I’m curious. And I just want everything to go back to how it was.

Brave people grieve. Vulnerable people grieve. All people grieve. Do you see the pattern here?

Grief is a walk on the line between acceptance and attachment, letting go of yesterday just enough to accept and live today yet never letting go of the joy of flying through the sea, the wonder of your child reaching for your hand the first time, the sweetness of love given by your partner who knew you at your core and loved you exactly as you are—all of your amazing, neurotic, wonderful, ok-ness even if you never put the toilet paper back on the holder.

Grief is walking the line between finding the sweetness of what is now while integrating into our being all the glorious and horrible things that we once knew to be even when we know those moments will never come in the same way again. Life is a dance between joy and grief, the two companions that go hand and hand.

When Jeff died my brain lurched and spun trying to comprehend what death even meant. I couldn’t comprehend that I would never see him again. Then he came to me when I was dreaming, “You are choosing the pain”. His intense brown eyes looked into mine in just that way he always did. I woke up, angry. “What? How? How do I Un-choose it?? What do you know now? Tell me the answer. Come back!” He never did come back with the answer but left me to figure it out.

Today I think I know what he was trying to say. Choosing the pain is not walking the line. It’s jumping behind the line and saying “NO. Come back!!” Choosing the pain is thinking that what lies behind the line is no longer with us when in fact we are still holding the hand of the toddler, gliding through the sea and gazing into the eyes of our loved one while the moon rises. Choosing the pain means believing that we have power over things that we cannot change and believing that the one thing we might have done differently would have changed the outcome. Choosing the pain means only seeing the beauty in what was and not seeing the beauty of what is.

I am walking the line. And it is F@#*ing uncomfortable. And I don’t want to have to walk it. And yet here I am again. Here I meet myself once again in the dance between joy and grief.

Yesterday a friend told me that a wise physician recently said to her, “we are all one millisecond from eternity.” Indeed. We are all one millisecond from being behind, on or in front of the line; one millisecond from the next reality as we live in this continual Eternity.

So me, I’m walking the line of the Now. And I’m grateful to do it with awareness. I’m grateful to meet my emotions as teachers, as friends who come to me as the highest form of information . I’m grateful to swim in the blissful, horrible, ecstatic sea of this Eternity until my reality shifts. When that happens I will come to you in a dream. And I will tell you what I have learned. 🙏🏼💜

All love my friends. With Awareness. And ok-ness. Because I am walking the Line of Doing Fine. 🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️

(Context note: I recently experienced brain trauma while traveling due to a medical issue. My short term memory, focus, speech patterns, writing and body have been impacted including my ability to edit and spell. I chose not to have someone edit this work and write in my true voice as it is now).