Photo: The first alleyCatYoga Studio, built with much help and support that led to one of the many “stay or go” crises of the past 8 years

This morning’s reading from The Book of Awakening hit very close to home for me. “If you try to teach before you learn, or leave before you stay, you will lose your ability to try.” ~Mark Nepo.

After an intense week of dealing with long held inner fear about safety over my health insurance situation, I found myself feeling like a deer in the headlights and simultaneously feeling like a caged animal, fighting for survival.  Living with a complicated chronic illness from my teens I now enjoy good health, yet the residue of the illness  not only lies in my body that requires care, but in the subtle places within me that store fear, manifesting as a strong need to ground, root, survive and feel safe in order to thrive. This fear, I realize, is always with me in small ways, always scanning for threat, always afraid to STAY lest what I commit to staying with be grasped out of my hands.

This past Friday as I dug through the details of the health insurance changes, the lack of adequate coverage offered in my area sunk in. I felt an anger come over me in a way that I have not felt in years. Anger towards those who have never experienced a fight for their life therefore holding indifference (knowing this is an assumption) regarding the dire need for healthcare for all people. Anger toward those who hold jobs that come with secure benefits resulting in the same indifference (knowing this is an assumption). Anger toward those who write the laws, those who profit from illness, those who hold judgement against me for using western medicine, those who have harmed me, against myself for choosing freedom and a creative life rather than remaining tied to heath care security. Anger towards those who label anger as bad, wrong, and un-yogic. Anger towards those who believe a teacher of yoga must always be centered and calm. Anger towards, Anger towards, ANGER TOWARDS…SO MUCH ANGER!

Anger, when directed rightly, is protective against harm. Anger, when properly funneled propels us toward right direction. Anger when held with awareness without judgement may be the highest motivator toward Light and finding our way. Anger when examined may lead us to deep discovery into what lies beneath, the primary guiding principle of the last decade of my life.

Yesterday I attended the Subtle Body workshop guided by Brockell Briddle, a deep investigation into breath, movement and the deep subtle layers of Being that connect us to every Being that has ever Been. My practice was thought, breathe, move. Thought, breathe, move, Thought, breathe, move. Breathe, move, breathe, move. Breathe. I shifted from fear to safety. Safety in body, in breath, into the Now. I am safe Now. Breathe, move, Awareness.

Today I take the anger and I use it to investigate what lies beneath, without judgement, without hate. I find fear of owning my life as it is. I find resistance to staying. I find losing my ability to TRY. Swami Kripalu taught that “Self observation without judgement is the highest form of spiritual practice.” Today I find this to be true again, so true once again. Today I commit once again to the moment of Now. Today I commit to being fully in this life even without knowing and planning for the next shoe to drop. Today I commit to own my life as it unravels before me. Today I commit to Stay.

Jai Bhagwan, Victory to the Light of Awareness in each of us. ~Susan