Walking the Line of Doing Fine

“How are you? Are you ok? How are you feeling. “

I’m not an “ok-er”. I’ve come to know this about myself. As philosophical as I am, as much as What Does It All MEAN tends to drive my life I see I am also I realist and a practical person.  

I am NOT ok. Yet of course, I am OK in that way that only someone who knows that All is Well can know. But I also know that the Susan part of me is not ok. I hope that is ok with you because I’m just into being real. If you need me to be like perfect or always ok then don’t read this. (and I’m also ok with the fact that this might not be ok with you).

Everything has changed now. And of course everything is always changing but everything has REALLY changed. And I’m angry. And I’m sad. And I’m grateful. And I’m ecstatic. And I’m afraid. And I am not afraid of anything. And I’m curious. And I just want everything to go back to how it was.

Brave people grieve. Vulnerable people grieve. All people grieve. Do you see the pattern here?

Grief is a walk on the line between acceptance and attachment, letting go of yesterday just enough to accept and live today yet never letting go of the joy of flying through the sea, the wonder of your child reaching for your hand the first time, the sweetness of love given by your partner who knew you at your core and loved you exactly as you are—all of your amazing, neurotic, wonderful, ok-ness even if you never put the toilet paper back on the holder. Read More »

Becoming Still

Winter brings with it a hectic hustle unlike no other time. As a yogi and a nature lover my natural inclination is to become reflective and quiet this time of year. Long cups of tea, reading and writing by the fire is my preference as we move toward the darkest days of the year. But as a business owner (oh the conflicts are many) this time of year calls for action. There are so many minute details and the inevitable need to manage multiple obligations. Though I personally choose to celebrate Solstice over any other winter holiday, family traditions and obligations require my presence. And then there is the unending pressure and the heighten emotions that come with holiday expectations and avoidance of those expectations. The doing and swirling and tension builds on all side, swirling and churning. 

Inside of me I have been feeling a strong urge to explore stillness in a way that I have never felt so strongly. The energy all around me feels frenetic and slightly out of control. The outer world is saying, society is saying, “You must do something NOW and on my terms.” Nature is saying, “Turn inward and rest.” Today particularly, the Winter Solstice, my Inner world is sending a different message. Higher Awareness says, ” Do not act. Be still. Listen. Let the darkness fall. Be with the quiet, be with the dark. Breathe in, listen deeply, reflect. Breathe out and be with the churning, embrace the darkness until stillness comes. Be present here in this moment as if you have nothing else to do, nowhere else to be. Be stillness itself. And when you move again, move with renewed spirit to act, with Awareness.” I believe it is time to listen to that awareness.

Happy Solstice. May we all find stillness in the darkness and celebrate the light, for it is never lost. ~ Jai, Bhagwan, Susan 🙏l

Staying Sane in a Turbulent World

Outside a gentle rain is falling on the tin roof of the cabin. Curled up in bed with my laptop, the slanted ceiling of the bedroom loft is alive with the sound of rain. My gaze lands on the sloped hillside outside the second story window where the colors of fall light up the landscape even through the rain. The leaves of the trees blow freely in the wind. I am present, tuned into the clicking of the keys as I type, the rhythm of the breath inside me, and the changing beat of the drops on the roof. In this moment, the world is safe and quiet, a simple heaven of sight, sound and touch.  

This week I am spending a few days in a cabin in the woods, hiking, writing, and watching the stars. For a time, the rhythm of the days are not determined by the ping of the phone, the arrival of emails and the busy preparation for yoga class, offering my energy and presence to others; for a time I am offering the gift of presence to myself. The reward of this attention is clarity, inner quiet, and the exquisite sweetness of moving slowly. The morning rain is an added bonus, a message from nature to take my time. Read More »

Resistance is Futile

There are three things I know about myself; I hate change, I resist change and my “story” is that change is not my friend. Simultaneously there are two things I know about the Universe; everything changes and resistance is futile.

Last week was a whopper, a butt kicker, a doosie (insert your favorite phrase here). In the midst of said week things were coming at me from all directions. My survival method kicked in, I put my head down and plowed through. Finally, on Thursday morning space opened up in my schedule and I had a moment to hit pause.  The feel of the sun on my skin and the sound of the wind chimes on the porch softened the gripping on my body and in my mind. Sitting in quiet reflection I was able to step back and become aware of why I felt so shut down mentally and emotionally. During this pause I became aware that my friend resistance was sitting next to me.
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Books on the Bedside Table

Reading has been a lifelong source of inspiration and growth for me since I was a child. Many a day of my childhood was spent in another world, reading the day away. Walter Farley’s book, The Runaway Stallion moved me so as a child that I decided to become a horse racing jockey (true story). I wrote my first book about horse racing when I was 6, cut it into small squares and bound it with yarn, proving my dedication to both horses and literature.

My time and interest for writing has come and gone through the years, but reading remains central to my growth personally and as a teacher of Yoga. One of the challenges to teaching yoga and running a studio is that my attention is divided into so many roles leaving little time for reading fiction, so yoga philosophy and spiritual texts are what fill my bedside table. When I find myself feeling stagnant and in need of inspiration in my practice or teaching, I reach for these books to distill down the central teachings of yoga or the spiritual traditions.

On My Reading Table:

Daily InspirationThe Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo is my daily companion. More often than not his writings apply deeply to some edge of exploration or growth that is taking place in my life. This is my current daily meditation and reflection read that I dive into each morning.
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